


Non-negotiable

by severity_softly



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-12 01:11:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5648329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severity_softly/pseuds/severity_softly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fossil has a job for Howard. (Originally published in October 2009.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Non-negotiable

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in October 2009. Vince/Howard pre-slash/gen. This was written for crowson75, for doing me a wonderful favor. Her prompt was elephants. :) Betaed by the very sweet nebula99. Also, I may or may not (I can't remember) have borrowed/paraphrased a line from the show in the very beginning.

"The big man. The grey big man with the arm face," Fossil said. "The grey arm face man," Fossil repeated.

Howard knew exactly what Fossil meant--he always said something like this when he talked about the elephants--but he wasn't about to tell Fossil just yet. Maybe he would get it. "He's not exactly a man, is he, Mr. Fossil?"

"Sure he is. He's got one of those third back legs. One of those dangly, boneless legs in the back." Fossil's brow was creased in thought. "And he's got wings for ears. Featherless wings. Yeah."

"Featherless wings?" Howard repeated. God, Fossil was an idiot. If Howard ran this zoo, things would be different. It would be the best zoo in all of England.

"Yeah, the Dumbo ears," Fossil said, and Howard's eyebrows shot up.

"That's right," he said, he said, his voice suddenly encouraging. "And what was Dumbo?"

"How the freak do I know?! What do you think I am, an archeologist?!"

Howard closed his eyes and held a sigh. "An elephant," he said, and opened his eyes again. He knew the drill, and when Fossil held out his talk box, Howard repeated the word.

"Yeah, that's it. Look, I need you to ride him."

Howard's eyes widened. "I'm not riding the elephant. He's a wild creature, a very dangerous--"

"Oh, ' _very dangerous_ '," Fossil mocked, then licked his fingers and rubbed his nipples. "What are you, my fairy God mother?!"

"What?"

"You'll ride him, Moon, or I'll stick a kazoo in your ass and make you play a little tune!" Fossil threatened.

Howard stared at him for a moment, then said, "What does that even mean?"

"I don't know. But I'll figure it out if you don't ride that thing!"

 

***

 

Vince had been staring in the mirror for... well, he wasn't sure how long. He couldn't decide whether his hair was big enough to go out in public with today. Then his mind had wandered and he started toying with the idea of dying it black. It might look good black. He twisted it around his finger, and then the door opened and caught his attention. He looked behind him in the mirror and saw Howard collapse in the sofa across the room. He looked grumpy, so Vince looked back at himself, picking up a comb and twiddling it in his fingers.

Howard huffed. Then sighed. Then shifted noisily on the couch. Finally, he said, "What are you doing? You've been looking in that thing since I left two hours ago."

"How's my hair?" Vince said, looking at Howard in the mirror again.

"You look like a tart."

Vince turned around, an impish smile crossing his face. "Yeah, but I was thinking of changing my fringe. Maybe going a different colour."

"What, neon pink?" Howard said, giving Vince a look.

Vince stared at Howard for a moment, his smile not fading, then said, "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Howard grumbled and looked away.

Vince crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch. "Right, and I'm King Tut." He paused, considering it, then said, "Actually, that might look quite good. Golden headdress, lot's of eye makeup, though I--"

"Fossil wants me to ride the elephants," Howard snapped, and Vince jumped when he was torn from his thoughts.

" _All right_ ," he said, holding up his hands in a soothing gesture. "So what's the problem?"

"What's the problem?" Howard repeated, his tone disbelieving, and sat up straight. "It's a dangerous animal."

Vince snorted. "As if it's dangerous! I could ride it!"

A strange look crossed Howard's face, and for a moment, he didn't say anything. Then he spat, "You couldn't."

"I could!" Vince said.

"You're not riding it," Howard insisted.

"Why not?!"

"It's too dangerous for you."

" _What_?!" Vince gaped at Howard, then said, "For _me_?!"

Howard was starting to become obviously irritated. "Yeah, you're--"

"I could ride it just fine! It'd be fun! I could wear--"

" _No_ ," Howard said, making a gesture that indicated his word was final. "If either of us is going to ride it, it'll be me. And that's non-negotiable."

Vince stopped arguing and watched Howard for a moment. It was ridiculous. Howard never let him have any of the fun when he could help it. "Are you going to ride it then?"

"Yes," Howard conceded, then got up and trudged away.

 

***

 

"I could still do it," Vince said. This time his tone was placating, and Howard knew he must look terrified. He _was_ terrified. "I've got the right look," Vince continued.

Howard was grateful for the distraction, and he turned to look at Vince, who was in a gold suit and had some sort of red cape over his shoulders. "And what is that look exactly?"

"Matador chic," Vince filled in, gesturing at his outfit and looking very pleased with himself.

"Matadors do _bull_ fighting," Howard said, and Vince's face dropped.

"Oh right," he said, nodding to himself. "Look, I could still do it, though."

"No," Howard said, then nervously grabbed onto the rope Fossil had tied around the elephant's body for Howard to climb up. "I told you, this is a _man's_ job." Howard took a deep breath and started to climb, his heart hammering in his chest. 

He couldn't let Vince do this and get hurt. As much as this scared Howard, the thought of losing Vince scared him even more.


End file.
